Senin, 07 Juli 2014

Deepest Regret

Moving on means having to go with the flow of your life, strive to go forward. But sometimes it is inevitable to subconciously look back, isn't it? My life had been moving so tense and quick for these couple of years that when I suddenly had slowed down one notch, the past hit me.

At first it was destiny which brought me to it. I had been avoiding my past for so long that fate decided to take part in my life. I had ran so far, in the end I still have to face what I had buried for so long.

I considered the moment was perfect to come clean, to forgive him, to forgive her and to forget the pain. 5 days was enough time to bring me back to the past as if the past 6 years had never really happen. But with the presence of my mind I kept reminding myself, 6 years had changed our lives and I should try my hardest not to get in too deep into those feelings.

I made sure I did not waste such a little time I had to transfer all my thoughts and feelings. It was hard, really hard not to topple down. Seeing him all grown up but still looked the same, with those same eyes and same smiles did not make it any easier.

I told him I was really hurt by the decision we've made, although it was a relieve that we stayed friends afterwards. I sincerely treasure him, I'd rather be friends with him than not have him at all in my life. I was honestly hurt by his mom's indirect attitude towards me in the past. And plus, to find out that his mom changed her mind after all this time, it didn't lessen the void in my heart, instead it got stabbed even deeper.

Yeah, i guess that last blow was what made this pain turn into regret. Regret of moving on instead of waiting for that moment to come. Now I started to think, was moving on a good choice to take? I was scared of being alone, I was lost. If I did not stand up and run forward, I don't think I could've handle the loneliness. If I did not run, I couldn't have been able to stand up high. When I ran, he ran in the opposite direction. What else was I supposed to do? Why didn't he tell me not to go? Why didn't he tell me to wait?

But those eyes, the same stare I've been avoiding, that I've been shaking off off my mind. Was I seeing the same regret? Or was it just the reflection of what I was feeling? Were those eyes like mirror that reflected what's in front of it instead of being a window to see through inside?

Now everything seemed too late, I've opened a door to a new life but I am still afraid to close the door behind me. I feel so soaked in sin. Even though he told me to go, to move on forward with the life I have chosen.But still, I can't completely let go of the regret I've been dragging since that last time we met. Maybe it's been stabbed too deep that I can't take it off and leave it behind.


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