Kamis, 09 Oktober 2014

Out of Goodbyes

"Tell me action speaks louder but there's something about her words that hurts."

Your expression changed immediately when I told you about me being engaged. You tried to distinguish it with a shrug in a split second, but I managed to capture it in my memory. It kept playing back after you walked me to my room and waved goodbye.

The past two days together with you, in a place I've never been before, literally and unilaterally. The air smelt of dog odor every morning which I later found out was pollution emit from fertilizer not far from where the 3-star hotel we stayed at for the next couple of days.

The first two days had made me feel, we were warped back to the past 6 years, the moment we first set eyes on each other. The moment you kept stealing glance in curiosity. The moment where I realize, I was worthy enough to be interested in despite my broken heart from my high school lover at that time. The first two days made me almost forget that 6 years had passed.

You didn't change. Your stare was still the same, eyes filled with light and curiosity. Eyes of an eagle. Your smile was still the same, that smile I thought I would have every morning of my life. Your hands were still the same, the hand that held my hand as if saying you are protecting me despite you being younger than me. How much I wanted to hug you when I first saw you after not seeing you in such a long time. I realized I missed you.

It wasn't that the last 6 years we hadn't seen each other at all, we met once in a while but not like this, not in the same exact atmosphere like the one we first met. Maybe that's what made it different. But in reality everything had changed. This was not 6 years ago. This was the present. The condition was not the same. I was just engaged precisely the day before I met you.

All these years we kept in touch, said our hi and goodbye, but I knew this time is the last. This was the last of our goodbyes. Your expression said it all. I couldn't help myself wanting to be close to you in our last moment. Your action told me that you too.

I wished I could reset my life to the check point 6 years ago, and redo everything so I wouldn't have to be in this position. But life is not a video game, I made my choices in life just as you did with yours. And we have to accept to let go of each other when the plane took of later that week.

Senin, 07 Juli 2014

Deepest Regret

Moving on means having to go with the flow of your life, strive to go forward. But sometimes it is inevitable to subconciously look back, isn't it? My life had been moving so tense and quick for these couple of years that when I suddenly had slowed down one notch, the past hit me.

At first it was destiny which brought me to it. I had been avoiding my past for so long that fate decided to take part in my life. I had ran so far, in the end I still have to face what I had buried for so long.

I considered the moment was perfect to come clean, to forgive him, to forgive her and to forget the pain. 5 days was enough time to bring me back to the past as if the past 6 years had never really happen. But with the presence of my mind I kept reminding myself, 6 years had changed our lives and I should try my hardest not to get in too deep into those feelings.

I made sure I did not waste such a little time I had to transfer all my thoughts and feelings. It was hard, really hard not to topple down. Seeing him all grown up but still looked the same, with those same eyes and same smiles did not make it any easier.

I told him I was really hurt by the decision we've made, although it was a relieve that we stayed friends afterwards. I sincerely treasure him, I'd rather be friends with him than not have him at all in my life. I was honestly hurt by his mom's indirect attitude towards me in the past. And plus, to find out that his mom changed her mind after all this time, it didn't lessen the void in my heart, instead it got stabbed even deeper.

Yeah, i guess that last blow was what made this pain turn into regret. Regret of moving on instead of waiting for that moment to come. Now I started to think, was moving on a good choice to take? I was scared of being alone, I was lost. If I did not stand up and run forward, I don't think I could've handle the loneliness. If I did not run, I couldn't have been able to stand up high. When I ran, he ran in the opposite direction. What else was I supposed to do? Why didn't he tell me not to go? Why didn't he tell me to wait?

But those eyes, the same stare I've been avoiding, that I've been shaking off off my mind. Was I seeing the same regret? Or was it just the reflection of what I was feeling? Were those eyes like mirror that reflected what's in front of it instead of being a window to see through inside?

Now everything seemed too late, I've opened a door to a new life but I am still afraid to close the door behind me. I feel so soaked in sin. Even though he told me to go, to move on forward with the life I have chosen.But still, I can't completely let go of the regret I've been dragging since that last time we met. Maybe it's been stabbed too deep that I can't take it off and leave it behind.