Melampaui Rasa Takut

Perasaan takut adalah salah satu perasaan yang manusiawi karena mau hanya sebesar partikel debu, rasa takut pasti ada dalam pikiran dan hati manusia. Bagi seorang Muslim sebesar-besarnya rasa takut adalah kepada Sang Pencipta. Bagi seorang calon ibu, seperti saya 3 bulan lebih yang lalu, rasa takut itu ada berbagai macam, berbagai rasa, berbagai warna. Saat perut membuncit to the max, saat sudah menjelang HPL (yang dalam kasus ini artinya Hari Perkiraan Lahir bukan High Pressure Laminate), saat tanda pertama akan melahirkan tampak ketika mengecek ke toilet tepat setelah adzan Dzuhur berkumandang.

Sudah pasti rasa takut juga dirasakan oleh calon ayah dari janin yang akan segera terlahir tersebut. Sampai-sampai ketika mendaftarkan istrinya ke rumah sakit bersalin, ia menulis 1990 tahun, 11 bulan, 20 hari untuk kolom umur. Istrinya hanya bisa tertawa sembari menahan mules yang kian sering melihat kelakuan sang suami.

Dengan terus berdoa, berdzikir, melantunkan Asmaul Husna, sambil mengatur nafas yang telah diajarkan saat senam hamil rutin, aku berusaha untuk menghalau rasa takut. I thought, this was it. Here comes the time where I might be reborn again as a mother or reborn as almarhumah. :')

Rasa takut bisa dikalahkan. Rasa yang dapat menaklukan rasa takut tersebut adalah rasa keinginan yang lebih kuat dan lebih besar dari rasa takut yang ada. Jadi cara manajemen emosinya adalah, kalau rasa takut kita sebesar bola golf, rasa ingin kita harus sebesar bola bowling yang lebih besar dan lebih keras. Saat takut mengalami sakitnya melahirkan, bayangkan rasa ingin melihat si buah hati yang lucu sambil menerka-nerka nanti akan mirip siapa.

Ada cara untuk menghilangkan rasa takut pada saat melahirkan, yaitu dengan latihan hypno-birthing. Sebenarnya kita bisa berlatih sendiri, hypno-birthing alami ada dalam pikiran kita. Jika kita berpikir melahirkan itu sakit, kita menghipnotis diri kita sendiri bahwa melahirkan itu memang sakit. Namun jika kita senantiasa berpikiran positif, "proses kelahiranku akan cepat dan tak sakit" "melahirkan sakit hanyalah mitos" "Insya Allah seiring dengan lahirnya bayi, luruh pula dosa-dosa kita di kehidupan sebelumnya" dan pikiran positif lainnya, Insya Allah, proses melahirkan hanya seperti mengejan untuk buang air besar yang agak besar.. hehe :D

30 Desember 2014 kemarin, aku mengalami bukaan 1-8 selama kurang lebih 8 jam, dan 2 bukaan selanjutnya hanya kurang dari 1,5 jam, dan hampir setengah jam menahan janin agar tidak keluar karena dokter belum datang >,< dan hanya 10 menit mengejan dengan 3 kali tarik nafas dan ejan sampai akhirnya Drisana lahir ke dunia. 8 jam bukaan pertama rasanya seperti sedang akan datang bulan, perut rasanya nyut nyut beraturan dan pada saat itu alhamdulillah rasanya tidak sesakit nyut-nyutan saat akan datang bulan yang biasanya bikin aku guling-guling di kasur. 1,5 jam 2 bukaan terakhir berjalan begitu cepat tanpa terasa entah kenapa, yang dirasakan ya mules seperti ingin buang air besar. Yang paling menyakitkan adalah, saat menanti dokter datang, aku disuruh tidur miring ke kiri. Ternyata itu adalah cara mengampit janin agar tidak keluar sebelum dokter tiba. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, sumpah itu sakit banget. Ternyata aku sudah bukaan 10 pada saat itu, suster kenapa gak bilang? Sakitnya tuh di sini sus!!! (Suster atau bidan ya?? haha tidak begitu memperhatikan :P)

Dokter cantik datang, sambil tersenyum dan berkata "wahhh, kepalanya udah keliatan, rambutnya lebat". Kan jadi pengen lihattt!!! *gagal fokus*. Anyways, setelah itu dokter memberi aba-aba untuk menarik nafas saat terjadi kontraksi dari si janin. Aku bingung yang mana kontraksi janin yang mana yang bukan, jadi aku bilang oke dan kemudian menarik nafas dan eeeeuuuuuuuuuuu.. Eh, gak eeeeuuuu ding.. cara mengejan yang baik itu kata instruktur senam adalah tidak mengeluarkan suara sama sekali, baik di mulut, ditenggorokan, diperut.. Tarik nafas dan tekan otot perut bagian bawah aja sekuatnya sampai nafas hampir habis. Saat nafas habis, nafas huh hah huh hah dlu beberapa saat, trus tarik nafas lagi dan ejankan lagi. Begitu terus sampai bayi keluar. Dan ingat, dilarang menutup mata, meskipun dengan menutup mata kita bisa membayangkan hal-hal positif untuk proses hypno-birthing. hehe. Tapi jangan tutup mata titik! Cobalah berhypno-birthing sambil melihat ke arah dengkul kita, haha. I did :p

Dan yang watadosnya (masih ya zaman pake istilah ini?), aku kemarin memikirkan hal-hal konyol seperti momen-momen Taiga (kucing peliharaan) melahirkan. Dia mudah sekali melahirkan, bisa 5-8 anak, yaiyalah namanya juga kucing. Anyways, aku membayangkan Taiga melahirkan dengan amat mudah, sehingga aku menanam dalam pikiranku sendiri, bayi ini juga akan keluar dengan mudah semudah Taiga mengeluarkan anak kucingnya. Dan pluk! Drisana keluar. hehehehehe

Alhamdulillah, dia telah lahir dan saat melihat mukanya aku dan suami kompak berpikir "mirip Emerl!" (Adikku yang paling bungsu). Mukanya lucu, saking lucunya minta ditabok. #plak
Becanda, becanda... ampun Ya Allah.. Terimakasih Ya Allah... Akan kami jaga amanah dariMu sebaik mungkin.

Intinya, rasa takut itu bisa dikalahkan dengan rasa ingin yang lebih besar dan lebih kuat. Saat aku menulis ini, aku baru saja merampungkan aplikasi beasiswa yang ya takuuuuttt siiihhh.. tp pengeeeennn... hehehe
Pengen banget ya Allah... Apapun yang terbaik untuk hamba dan keluarga hamba. :)

Out of Goodbyes

"Tell me action speaks louder but there's something about her words that hurts."

Your expression changed immediately when I told you about me being engaged. You tried to distinguish it with a shrug in a split second, but I managed to capture it in my memory. It kept playing back after you walked me to my room and waved goodbye.

The past two days together with you, in a place I've never been before, literally and unilaterally. The air smelt of dog odor every morning which I later found out was pollution emit from fertilizer not far from where the 3-star hotel we stayed at for the next couple of days.

The first two days had made me feel, we were warped back to the past 6 years, the moment we first set eyes on each other. The moment you kept stealing glance in curiosity. The moment where I realize, I was worthy enough to be interested in despite my broken heart from my high school lover at that time. The first two days made me almost forget that 6 years had passed.

You didn't change. Your stare was still the same, eyes filled with light and curiosity. Eyes of an eagle. Your smile was still the same, that smile I thought I would have every morning of my life. Your hands were still the same, the hand that held my hand as if saying you are protecting me despite you being younger than me. How much I wanted to hug you when I first saw you after not seeing you in such a long time. I realized I missed you.

It wasn't that the last 6 years we hadn't seen each other at all, we met once in a while but not like this, not in the same exact atmosphere like the one we first met. Maybe that's what made it different. But in reality everything had changed. This was not 6 years ago. This was the present. The condition was not the same. I was just engaged precisely the day before I met you.

All these years we kept in touch, said our hi and goodbye, but I knew this time is the last. This was the last of our goodbyes. Your expression said it all. I couldn't help myself wanting to be close to you in our last moment. Your action told me that you too.

I wished I could reset my life to the check point 6 years ago, and redo everything so I wouldn't have to be in this position. But life is not a video game, I made my choices in life just as you did with yours. And we have to accept to let go of each other when the plane took of later that week.

Deepest Regret

Moving on means having to go with the flow of your life, strive to go forward. But sometimes it is inevitable to subconciously look back, isn't it? My life had been moving so tense and quick for these couple of years that when I suddenly had slowed down one notch, the past hit me.

At first it was destiny which brought me to it. I had been avoiding my past for so long that fate decided to take part in my life. I had ran so far, in the end I still have to face what I had buried for so long.

I considered the moment was perfect to come clean, to forgive him, to forgive her and to forget the pain. 5 days was enough time to bring me back to the past as if the past 6 years had never really happen. But with the presence of my mind I kept reminding myself, 6 years had changed our lives and I should try my hardest not to get in too deep into those feelings.

I made sure I did not waste such a little time I had to transfer all my thoughts and feelings. It was hard, really hard not to topple down. Seeing him all grown up but still looked the same, with those same eyes and same smiles did not make it any easier.

I told him I was really hurt by the decision we've made, although it was a relieve that we stayed friends afterwards. I sincerely treasure him, I'd rather be friends with him than not have him at all in my life. I was honestly hurt by his mom's indirect attitude towards me in the past. And plus, to find out that his mom changed her mind after all this time, it didn't lessen the void in my heart, instead it got stabbed even deeper.

Yeah, i guess that last blow was what made this pain turn into regret. Regret of moving on instead of waiting for that moment to come. Now I started to think, was moving on a good choice to take? I was scared of being alone, I was lost. If I did not stand up and run forward, I don't think I could've handle the loneliness. If I did not run, I couldn't have been able to stand up high. When I ran, he ran in the opposite direction. What else was I supposed to do? Why didn't he tell me not to go? Why didn't he tell me to wait?

But those eyes, the same stare I've been avoiding, that I've been shaking off off my mind. Was I seeing the same regret? Or was it just the reflection of what I was feeling? Were those eyes like mirror that reflected what's in front of it instead of being a window to see through inside?

Now everything seemed too late, I've opened a door to a new life but I am still afraid to close the door behind me. I feel so soaked in sin. Even though he told me to go, to move on forward with the life I have chosen.But still, I can't completely let go of the regret I've been dragging since that last time we met. Maybe it's been stabbed too deep that I can't take it off and leave it behind.

Sifat LeViSaAi Menurut Gaya Desain Arsitektur

        
        Hampir 4 tahun kita bersahabat, mengenal satu sama lain luar dalam, dan yang terpenting kita menerima apa yang sudah kita kenal apa adanya. Tidak dipungkiri selama kita bersahabat banyak sekali kerikil kecil bahkan batu karang besar, tidak lupa batu dari letusan gunung merapi (+,+) yang kita hadapi bersama. Masalah-masalah, contoh saya ngambek dengan mereka (paling sering), masalah dengan orang tua (saya paling sering), dengan pacar (aida paling sering), dengan mantan (ini sih vivi yang paling sering), dengan *ehem* tunangan (lele banget ya?), dengan calon mertua (yg tabah ya le...) daaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn banyak lagi, tidak terkecuali masalah dengan diri sendiri dimana kita pasti lari ke satu sama lain saat mulai lupa diri kita siapa.

        

        Enough with the reflection today, selanjutnya adalah perumpamaan LeViSaAi dalam gaya arsitektur yang akan saya sampaikan dengan bumbu-bumbu bermajas hiperbolis =D .

Ini saya dapatkan ketika saya mendapatkan tugas dari kampus untuk menganalisa gaya-gaya arsitektur yang ada. Dan pada saat mengerjakan tugas tersebut saya sedang dilanda badai rindu yang amat dasyat. (*ket. majas hiperbolis 1 hahahaaa...) Jadi terbesitlah sifat kita menurut gaya arsitektur yang ada.

        Lele merupakan makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya arsitektur Modern. Gaya ini memiliki tagline form follow function (bentuk mengikuti fungsi).. Jangan ngeres dulu, atau berpikir ada hubungannya dengan Lele yang bakal jadi Bidan (Delima aaaaammmiiiieeeeeennn!!!) dan juga Bidan Pribadi saya =P ... tapi yang dimaksud dengan tagline tersebut adalah praktis, tidak macem-macem (tapi cuma satu macem) atau neko-neko, lurus, jujur, bersih dan apa adanya...CMIIW Le!
 

        Vivi merupakan makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Post Modern. Gaya yang kompleks, membingungkan saat saya menganalisa gaya tersebut dan tiap orang punya intrepetasi yang berbeda tentang gaya ini. Namun secara keseluruhan gaya ini adalah gaya yang mulai jenuh dgn gaya modern sehingga dia merupakan gaya yang anti bentuk yang gak mau mengikuti kaedah form follow function, dekonstruktif, less is bore ( sedikit adalah membosankan ) atau dengan kata lain berambisi dan tidak mudah puas dan sulit untuk menerima sesuatu apa adanya, she'll strive for more! Right, Vi?

       Cisa itu makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Vintage : yang pilih-pilih (sangat cerewet dan sulit dalam hal mendapatkan pilihan yang pas) dalam hal kualitas dan tidak peduli dengan kuantitas, belajar dari masa lalu, dekoratif floral (suka hal-hal yang berbau alam), campuran tradisional dan elemen modern.

 

        Aida itu makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Kontemporer : Idealis (gak usah ditanya deh, ini adalah spesialisasi aida!) , suka-suka, penuh dengan permainan yang kreatif, bersifat kekinian, ingin berbeda dengan yang lain(tenang, ai, you are! We all are!) dan yang pasti, ingin menonjol dari yang lain, sometimes it's a good thing but not always *kabuuuuurrrrr*.

        Ya, seperti itulah kami... kurang lebihnya mohon maaf, tidak dimaafkan ya itu sih urusan anda dengan yang di Atas =D

Hi!

          It's been such a long time since I open this blog, let alone update it. Had been such a hectic first two months of 2012. The year which started with heaps of activities and also problems. But I'm glad that I still have problems in my life, that shows that I have advanced to the next level of life. I'm also happy that I have overcame most of it. Specially the ones regarding my special people in life.
          When I was down, I would listen to one sad song over and over again, until the song doesn't have any effect on my emotions. Then I would start to think that the problem I'm having, as I go through it, would also have no impact on my depressed feelings. After that it was just a matter of time where the problem would be solved somehow or other.
           Not all matter can be solved in an instant, just try to do the best you can do then let your effort give its power to the universe so that the universe itself would solve it for you. It takes time, but in that way I could still overcome other problems as well, not concentrated only in one thing.
What would be better is that if one problem solved leading to other problems solved to. "One row, two three islands passed by." (An Indonesian Proverb)
          This past couple of months gave me a lot of life lessons and I'm really thankful for it.

20112011

20-11-2011

Almost a year, to be exact, 11 months, more or less, ago, i told "someone" that the date above is a "pretty date"..Well right now i wish it is, in fact, a pretty "date".

It's his 21st birthday today n since i havent been having a "life" for these past weeks i really couldnt make a time to plan for a birthday surprise... I hate myself for that...Actually i did have a plan, but couldnt make it in time because yesterday afternoon, it rained hard n i was so jaded that i cannot lift my body off the bed.

And i thought of going out with him somewhere but when i look down beneath my PC table i see rolls of campus projects awaiting for me to touch it. Oh great, dillema, dillema.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?? Would you choose to go out on this fine sunny Sunday or stay in your room finishing, your project, catching up on your lack-of-spending-time project because you were doing other project at the same time?

I tried to to think of other things i can do, but the only ability i could think of was to write about it. Maybe its unimportant to you, maybe you wouldnt even read it at all. I am out of words but i really hope you understand my position and have a blasting birthday. Happy Birthday mon Soleil. Always try to be the best of yourself.

One of my Writings

Art, Culture and Nation’s Character

by Citra Sandy Anastasia (101 1718 023)

                                                  PSDI – FSR, ISI Yk.

Abstract

Nation’s character is a nation’s personality that distinguishes one country to another. As an analogy, characteristic of a personal computer, it has a monitor and CPU tower, if it doesn’t have those things, it cannot be called a personal computer. Or a microwave oven, it has to give out waves that create heat, if it doesn’t create heat then it isn’t a microwave oven. So without those quality or characteristic, those things don’t work and worthless. Just like a country, what is a country without a character? Our Nation’s character is Pancasila which was born from the Founding Father who had one vision, one understanding to build this Nation. Pancasila made us different from every other country in this world. Art, culture and characteristic of a nation has very strong link because it gives extra points when it comes to other nations’ appreciation. By the heterogeneous of this country, it made us different from any other country in this world. Our country has countless of different culture. But if we don’t conserve and take the advantage of it, it would be such a great loss. And who knows what this country would become. It would be like a personal computer without a speaker for the sound system, it works, but with no sound to give special effects.

Introduction 
     What is art? If you think deeper over that question, you’ll find that our life is filled with art; the art to socialize, the art to cook, the art to write a literature, the art to say something so that it’s more understandable or interesting to other people, the art to negotiate, even to defend yourself you need to learn the martial art. In another word art is like a technique of doing something.
     
     Look around you, what do you see? See how the builders built the house you live in now, the place where you peacefully stay, protected against the heat of the sun and the cold of the wind? Is it just a stack of bricks piled together? It is not just that, is it? They’ve learned the technique to build it. They’ve mastered the art of piling bricks together, sticking them together with cement and painted it with such beautiful colors. Do you think a doctor or an ambassador can do it as good as them.

     To be a good citizen, we have to know how to build our nation’s character, just like how the builder built our house. There are so many aspects that can help us build this nation’s character, for example through education and technology. But in this article I would like to talk about how art can be used to build this Nation.
     
     The question is, “how can art, cultural art in this matter, have the contributive function towards building the nation’s character itself? We are all aware that a great nation is a combination of greatly educated people, high technology and honest legislation, and cultural art doesn’t seem to fit in any of this category.

     Little did we know, art does have a vast impact on how other nations see our beloved country and I will elaborate it in this short article entitled “Art, Culture and Nation’s Character”

Issue: Art’s Contribution to Building the Nation’s Character
      As I’ve mentioned before, in my opinion, art is like a technique mastered to do things in life. And according to Wikipedia.com, art is the product or the process of deliberately arranging symbolic elements in a way that influences and affects one or more of the senses, emotions and intellect. It is a way of expressing emotions through music, literature, fine art and performance art. Art is an aesthetical thing; beautiful and made to enjoy. For example a painting or a traditional dance, they are just as attractive as magnet. Most people would link art with culture. Culture itself comes from a habit that a lot of people do that has been done for ages, rooted and grew into a civilization. Culture comes from the word “to cultivate” which means to develop or to grow. So in another word, a cultured country is a developed and grown civilization.

     Indonesia is our country who got its freedom on 17^th August 1945. Then the next day after that, the written constitution, Undang-Undang Dasar 1945 (Fundamental Constitutions 1945) was assigned. In the Opening of that constitution was where our principle, Pancasila, stated. Pancasila comes from the Sansekerta language. It literally means “the five seats” or can be analogized as “the five pillars of this Nation”.

     In each pillar, Pancasila has values that are ascribed as the soul, the personality and the vision of Indonesia since it is the pact of crystallized values of the determination of our ancestors to unite this Nation despite the differences which can be found in it. Pancasila is also the basic ideology and philosophy of this beloved country that does not only control the law but also the morality of its people. In this article I want to focus on the third pillar. Our country has lots of different culture, multi-races, languages and thousand of islands. That is why in the third pillar of Pancasila, it says, “Persatuan Indonesia” (Unity of Indonesia).

     A great person is a person who is a well educated, uniquely cultured and has strong character or personality, and so is a great country. The ones who see the greatness of a nation is the other country. I’ve met different people from various countries and when I asked them what they think of Indonesia they’d say “Indonesia is a great country enriched with lots of diverse culture,” “Indonesia has uncountable places to visit, sightsee and experience.” But there was one time when I met two Dutches at Tamansari, Yogyakarta and they said, “We love Indonesia. It’s so green but it’s a shame that they don’t appreciate the historic value of their heritage by gratifying on the walls and writing unnecessary things in inappropriate places,” and I couldn’t agree more with what they’d said. Is it really our culture to destroy our heritages? I hope not.

     The third pillar reflects our supposedly character: “a Nation who loves the country”. We should love the differences in this country. We should love everything about it. We should make those tourists say, “Indonesia is not only a great country but it has great people who adores and appreciate everything it has.” We should make a concept that our country is a country with character of dynamic heterogeneous culture to obtain our purpose to become a developed civilization.

     There are lots of examples of artistic culture we have in this country, for example, in music we have keroncong, dangdut, campur sari etc; in literature we have legends like Malin Kundang, Roro Jonggrang, Tangkuban Parahu etc; in fine arts and crafts we have Kamasan paintings, Batik, Songket, etc; in performance art we have Lenong, Ketoprak, Kecak Dance, Wayang Golek and a lot more to list that it will make this article not a short article anymore but a huge-numbered of pages book. These things characterized us. These things build our image to other nations.

     Remember how Reog Ponorogo was taken by our neighboring country? We got really furious but whatever we did couldn’t undo what happened in the past. Maybe it was our fault in the first place. Our mistake, whether we realized it or not, was ignoring and overlooked at our culture because before it happened we thought anyone couldn’t take over it. We should be proud of all the differences that we have, all the artistic culture that couldn’t be found elsewhere in this world. Don’t let it be claimed by other irresponsible nations who are attracted to take over our country’s culture. We should document what we own. Write books about it or post writing on the blog or other internet websites about it to make a notice to the world, it is ours (with capital letters, bold and italic) and it is part of us.

     We can also start by little things like how Japanese youngsters have what they call “cosplay” or costume player. It has slowly rooted to their modern culture and known by people from all over the world. I used to have a similar thing when I was in the kindergarten. I wore the traditional clothing of the Northen Sumatra, Ulos, on the Kartini’s Day. In fact we should do it more often by holding events to compete the beauty, design and innovation of traditional clothes.

     It’s hard but easy and easy but hard at the same time to use art and our culture to build nation’s character because there would be constraints such as negativity in belief of the society, the lack of interest of the people to have a contribution because of their economic situation and also the fading of our culture because people tend to be more appealed to other Nations’ cultures. But we have to be optimistic and begin first from ourselves, family, friends and then environment, be creative on playing our role as a civilian. Hopefully it will carry on until everyone in this country characterized our Nation in the best way possible.

Conclusion

      Art is like a technique or skill that creates a product and is also a process that influences and affects the senses, emotions or intellect by expressing it through media such as music, literature, fine art and performance art.

    Our Nation’s character can be defined perfectly by our Principle, Pancasila. And to be a strong characterized Nation, we have to reflect back and start using the value of Pancasila as a Standard. The unity of our country is an important basic of character. Even we have heterogeneous culture we should be creative to face the diversity.

    Art can trigger the culture to cultivate the Nation’s character back to its originality and make us realize that we should love our country and be proud of its differences that makes us unique compared to other country.

     Art and culture have very strong link to the Nation’s character. It builds the image of the country. Indonesia can be known by the world where the Wayang Golek, Lenong, Kamasan paintings, keroncong and lots more come from.

     To have a characterized Nation, we should start from ourselves doing little things like write about our artistic culture and post it on a blog. Then lead other people close to us to do similar things and influence people to love and be proud of our art and culture.