Pohon Salak Condet

Aku ingin seperti pohon salak condet

Yang jatuh bukan untuk mati,

Yang jatuh untuk tumbuh kembali,

Aku ingin seperti pohon salak condet,

Tapi bukan yang cintanya jatuh

Dan tumbuh kembali

Tidak untuk dia

Dia yang membuatku jatuh

Dan tak pernah kembali...

Pikiran Ngalor Ngidul

"Tidak semua hal bisa seideal yang kamu inginkan." Kalimat yang makjleb bagi seorang perfeksionis seperti aku. Inginnya, sih, memang dari atas bawah depan belakang kanan kiri semua sisi ideal. Tapi tidak semua dapat kita dapatkan. Apalagi jika itu di luar kontrol kita.

Tidak semua hal bisa kita paksakan. Tidak semua hal bisa kita kontrol. Tidak ideal, tapi masih bisa optimal. Tidak mungkin tidak ada cela, tapi mungkin cela itu yang bisa dijadikan sebagai hiasan, tergantung kreatifitas kita. Ya, seringnya kere-aktifitas, sih, dibanding kreatifitas. 

Penyakitnya seorang perfeksionis adalah overthinking.  Melingkar melebar memanjang menjauh. Semua hal dipikirkan. Harus sering-sering mengingatkan diri untuk melihat apa yang ada di depan mata, yang jauh tidak usah dipikirkan dulu. Selangkah demi selangkah.

Yukkk.. Ngga usah maksa untuk harus ideal. Syukuri apa yang sudah di depan kita apapun situasinya itu sudah yang terbaik menurutNya. Kerjakan apa yang kamu bisa kerjakan secara optimal, maksimal, total.

Penyakitnya seorang perfeksionis juga underestimating. Meremehkan diri sendiri. Mengecilkan diri sendiri. Kurang yakin sama diri sendiri. Merasa diri tidak sehebat yang orang lain lihat. Selalu saja merasa ada yang kurang. Padahal cukup. Sudah baik. Good enough.

Ini tuh sebenarnya pengingat diri sendiri sih. Pengingat diri untuk terus tumbuh. Tumbuh terus ya Cis.

The View Outside My Window

This is one of my writings, it was created for my Video Task when I was applying for MA Television, London College of Communication, University of the Arts London on December 2022.

Living on the border of satellite cities of Jakarta, I am renting a two-storey house. My bedroom is on the second floor, completed with a two-pane window facing south. I can see the landscape of a tropical suburb where buildings sprout amongst the greenery, the trees which are mostly fruit-producing such as mango, Muntingia and palm.

I am able to see the rooftop of other houses close to mine. Several TV antennas are also visible, towering, competing, reaching out to get digital transmission signals. Since this is a rather old housing estate, either the residents already developed their houses into two-storeys as well, or they still have the original house but with their roof slightly broken, presumably because the wooden structure had been eaten by termites.

Then, if I tilt up my view, I can see the blue sky scattered with cumulus clouds with tropical sun shining bright. The clouds that barely cover the trees which are swaying to and fro blown by the monsoon wind. The wind brings the most dynamic season in Indonesia where one minute the sky is brightly coloured, the next minute everything turns dark covered with cumulonimbus clouds that lead to thundering storms. Monsoon season itself happens throughout the months with their names ending with ‘ber’ and the peak in November and December, causing vibrant changes within the view I can see from my window.

As I wake up in the morning in Mid December, just before my morning prayer, I see the sky at its darkest. The windows from other houses are mostly still pitch black, but one by one lit as the residents awaken . The sun rises from the left side of the window, giving a tint of yellowish ray of light and the sky turns clear light blue with no traces of clouds.

Later that day, the sky turns overcast as the cumulonimbus clouds gather. Huge heavy raindrops start pouring from the sky, hitting the roof slabs of my neighbourhood, flowing down the once-dry slanted roof. I can hear the rumbling sound of thunder and wind, this storm will not last. Not long after that, the sky clears up and the sun starts to set behind less dense clouds making the sky on the west look orange-ish and pinkish and the sky on the east look purplish indigo as the night sets in. The colours blend beautifully creating a charming landscape.

From time to time this window has its uniquely different views, as if it was a painting that came to life. And today is my most favourite painting.

My Journey to Another Chapter Part 1

This story started with a morning chit chat with my HRD at TVRI Jakarta, "If you have the chance to continue study, then do it," she said.

"I will ma'am, Insya Allah I will look for a way to continue my degree."

Working in TVRI as a civil broadcaster had never been in my list of aspiration as a child. I was never in a family of civil worker, let alone circle of broadcasting world. But as my world revolved, here I am, 2 years working as a program director and daily broadcasting director and, gosh, how I am utterly passionate of it.

Here I met all different kinds of people who gave me valuable lessons, and as an eager learner, those lessons feed my anthuasiasme even more. While I got the opportunity to learn informally from everyone's experiences, and chances to get formal training from my institution, the urge to continue my degree majoring Television arises. 

Thus in early December 2022, after several small researches, I contacted ThinkOpenMind enquiring about applying to University of The Arts, London. I was excited because luckily, the terms and condition were as easy as a breeze for me somehow. Not because it was merely uncomplicated, but the requirements suited my condition. Maybe that's what they called destiny.

At first I thought, let's just apply, we'll think of other stuff later. I didn't expect much, I had nothing-to-lose mindset. I didn't even tell my parents about it. 

Day by day, while still doing my usual job at work, I prepared all of the requirements one at a time. ThinkOpenMind helped me by correcting my Personal Statement and script for Video Task. The Video Task was the hardest part at the beginning. I had to create a 3-minutes video explaining about what I see outside my windows.

I thought of the words for my video while I was sleeping, that's how I get to my most creative side. Silly, right? But I had been doing it since I was little. Then after ThinkOpenMind confirmed that the words were good enough, I took a video of myself with the help of my husband, who kept on telling me the video was already perfect, but I still wasn't confident about it. Then with the help of my best friend who I consider as my little brother at work, Hafiz, who edited my video for a finishing touch, the video was completed. And also with the support and prayers from Abi, Kiki, Alan, and Hasna who always reply to my silly messages when I get nerve breakdown, I finishes my submission to UAL at last. 

After the submission to UAL, I told myself to begin preparing for LPDP Scholarship application. This time, I needed to get IELTS score of minimum 6.5 (with each band minimum of 5.5). I also need to get the recommendation letter and permission letter from my superior at work. 

At first, I still wanted only few people to know that I am applying. But somehow the news got spreaded. It even evolved to a story that I got accepted, well, I prayed amin to that. Well, it's true, thankfully I got an offer from UAL which made me dumbfounded. I took my time to actually let that sink in. I got accepted! I still couldn't believe it somehow. 

Then by fate, I had to prepare LPDP while doing Documentary Film Training. How hard i cried, I had a lump in my heart. I can imagine how difficult it would be, dividing my attention between LPDP Administration submission and making a Documentary Film for this training. 

I met several people here, Bang Riadh and Bang Nail, who supported me since they found out I am applying for the scholarship. How could they not find out, I held my tears in class from the hardship I am facing? They accompanied me, giving me pointers on what to do when my head was clouded with tears and emotions. Then I had to write the essay which I had to revise several times, typing days and nights while accompanying Akbar who was editing the Documentary Film we were making.

Thanks to them I managed to finish everything on time, on the very last day of submission. Thanks to the people at my office who helped me with the recommendation letter from Director of General Affair, as well. Also, thanks to ThinkOpenMind who helped me follow up to UAL Admission team so I can obtain the LoA early so it can be in time for the submission of the scholarship.

And everything paid off when I open the LPDP portal at 23.59 on 14th March 2023, accompanied by you know who you are, thank you for being there until the last minute :). My submission got through. 

Next step will be the interview. Wish me luck. I need all the luck there is. 

Pejuang Masa Depan - Seleksi CPNS

Halo temen-temen Pejuang CPNS 2021, perkenalkan saya Citra Sandy, CPNS Kemenkominfo Angkatan 2019 penempatan TVRI DKI Jakarta. Izinkan saya sharing sedikit tentang perjuangan dan cara belajar saya selama menjadi pejuang seleksi pada 2017-2019 (melewati 3 tahun anggaran dan mengikuti 4 gelombang seleksi).

Berikut hal-hal penting yang menurut saya patut kalian fokuskan selama mengikuti rangkaian seleksi :

1. Iqra

Wajib teliti membaca pengumuman dari instansi yang kalian minati, karena terms and condition tiap instansi akan berbeda satu dengan yang lain. Dulu ketika saya mempertimbangkan beberapa formasi, saya print pengumuman halaman ketentuan umum dan khusus dan saya pelajari PER KATA. Pada bagian tersebut terdapat syarat dan ketentuan yang jika kalian sepelekan atau salah baca, bisa berakibat fatal pada Seleksi Administrasi.

2. Gabung ke Grup Pejuang CPNS

Terutama jika kalian baru pertama kali mendaftar seleksi karena banyak pengalaman yang bisa kalian dengar dari sesama pejuang dan kalian akan terjaga semangatnya untuk belajar. (Bahkan ada sesama anggota grup yang bisa sampai berjodoh)

3. Pelajari UU ASN dan PP Manajemen ASN

Bukan berarti peraturan-peraturan tersebut akan keluar di tes (kecuali kalian mendaftar pada formasi jabatan yang mengurusi itu), tapi itu adalah ilmu mendasar saat kalian membaca pengumuman dan peraturan turunan yang ada.

4. Hubungi panitia jika memiliki special case

Dulu special case saya adalah tidak punya ijazah SD, sedangkan ijazah SD dibutuhkan saat pemberkasan final pengajuan NIP setelah lulus. Nah jika kalian punya pengalaman serupa, baru deh tanya panitia. Jangan bertanya pada panitia hal-hal yang sudah jelas ada di pengumuman, jangan mempersulit kerja panitia ya.

5. Pilih formasi dengan hati-hati

Pastikan syarat-syaratnya dapat kalian penuhi karena jika tidak ya tidak akan lulus seleksi administrasi. Jika kalian beruntung karena panitia silap, bisa jadi kalian digugurkan ketika verifikasi akhir pengajuan NIP oleh BKN. Jangan coba-coba. Selain itu yang terpenting, pilih formasi yang tupoksi, lokasi penempatan dan resiko pekerjaannya bisa kalian tolerir. Semua pekerjaan itu tidak ada yang tidak melelahkan, tapi kalian bisa memilih lelah yang menyenangkan. Terutama, cari tahu perkiraan pendapatan rutinnya, apalagi yang sudah berkeluarga, apakah akan mengganggu cashflow rumah tangga.

Selanjutnya, cara saya belajar.

Saya belajar 3 tahun terus menerus dari 2017 saat pertama kali mendaftar, dan tidak dadakan hanya karena ikut seleksi. Apalagi menunggu pengumuman administrasi lulus atau tidak. Saya pakai cara belajar seperti dulu ketika sekolah yaitu merangkum. Pertama saya buat daftar materi yang perlu saya pelajari, dan saya rangkum materi dari manapun sumber yang saya dapat mengenai hal tsb. Mulai dari buku pelajaran SD, SMP, SMA, google, youtube, modul-modul yang berseliweran di grup-grup pejuang, saya rangkum semua dalam 1 binder baik dengan cara doodling, buat tabel, buat timeline dan buat poin-poin.

Selain itu, ketika saya tidak bisa menulis, misal saat makan, saya tonton video-video dokumenter di yutub contohnya Melawan Lupa dari Metro TV. Dan karena saya seorang visual learner, saya juga mendatangi museum-museum untuk belajar langsung sejarah di sana. Saya juga menggunakan aplikasi yang mempermudah untuk menghafal UUD.

Salah satu manfaat bergabung di grup adalah saling lempar soal dan menjawab. Jadi tidak belajar sendiri. Ada interaksi dengan sesama pejuang yang membuat belajar jadi tidak membosankan.

Hal yang paling penting selanjutnya adalah perbanyak tryout. Tryout ini akan membantu kita mencari ritme yang pas saat mengerjakan tes nanti. Jadi saya dulu belajar manajemen waktu tes dari berkali-kali melakukan tryout, bagian mana yang harus dikerjakan duluan sehingga waktu yang dipakai bisa optimal. Dan cari Tryout yang susah soal-soalnya, atau yang biasa disebut soal HOTS (High Order of Thinking Skill). Mungkin pas awal-awal mengerjakan kalian akan dapat score yang hancur, tapi lama kelamaan kalian bisa mendapatkan score sesuai target karena terbiasa dengan soal HOTS, dan karena sudah terbiasa jadi bisa dengan mudah mengerjakan soal-soal saat hari H nanti. Dulu aku member di toskdcpns.com (karena paling murmer pada saat itu dan soal-soalnya HOTS dan update).

Selain tes SKD, ada tes SKB. Tes ini lebih ke kompetensi sesuai bidang jabatan yang kita lamar. Jadi ketika saya melamar JF Pranata Siaran Ahli Pertama, yang pertama saya pelajari adalah turunan dari UU ASN yang mengatur JF saya, PermenpanRB no 30 tahun 2017 tentang JF Pranata Siaran. Di dalamnya ada tugas pokok dan fungsi (tupoksi) JF dimana uraiannya saya bedah dan cari tahu dari literatur-literatur yang ada, kalau mau gratis bisa dibuka di aplikasi ePusnas. Saya juga mempelajari UU Penyiaran dan peraturan-peraturan lainnya tentang penyiaran.

Semua itu saya kerjakan di sela-sela waktu menjadi seorang istri dan ibu dari 2 anak, yang terpenting ridho dan dukungan dari suami juga anak-anak. Jadi buat ibu-ibu muda di luar sana yang sedang berjuang, semangat ya! Dan buat yang masih single, jangan mau kalah semangat dari emak-emak berbuntut.

Mungkin tidak bisa dipukul rata semua dapat melakukan hal yang sama tapi semoga sedikit cerita ini bermanfaat untuk para Pejuang Masa Depan. 

Feel free to contact me on this email: pejuangmasadepan2021@gmail.com

Good luck!

 

What they taught me in life.

What They Taught Me

He taught me that childhood crush was a mere fantasy. 

He taught me that not every one you fell in love with, will fall back for you. 

He taught me that genuinety won't always reach. 

He taught me to be careful whom you show your care to, it's often misleading. 

He taught me that age is not an issue in love. 

He taught me that loving in silence is also love. 

He taught me that first-sight love do exist, but it takes two to tango. 

He taught me to be consistent in every aspect of your life. 

He taught me that friendship wins over love. 

He taught me what it was to be heart broken. 

He taught me that we can still be beautiful, even with broken wings. 

He taught me how to smile again and look forward to life. 

He taught me how to live without regret. 

He taught me that your heart is a spacious place for more than one. 

He taught me how to fight for what's important in my life. 

Each one of them, came to my life to teach me how to love. 

Alhamdulillah, I said "Yes".

"Menikah itu butuh keberanian, bukan kesiapan. Kalau ditanya siap atau tidak siap, kita akan selalu punya alasan untuk tidak siap.” Sebuah kutipan yang aku dapatkan dari blog seorang penulis romantis Islami yang sama-sama mengagumi karya Paulo Coelho. Aku tak sengaja membacanya 20 hari sebelum hari ini, hari ulang tahun pernikahan kita.

2 tahun yang lalu, kita duduk di atas pelaminan, setelah memperjuangkan terwujudnya momen tersebut. Bukan hal yang mudah, namun tekad kita kuat dan Allah ada bersama kita. Sesudah kesulitan ada kemudahan, itu janjiNya.

3 tahun kita mengenal satu sama lain, sebelum akhirnya kita memutuskan untuk berhenti "pacaran" dan menikah. Banyak kerabat dan kenalan yang menyarankan untuk sudahi saja ikatan yang "tidak diridhai" itu. Kami pun seringkali mendiskusikan tentang anjuran orang-orang untuk menghilangkan status pacaran yang terlarang. Ya Allah, tanpa disuruh pun sebenarnya kami sangat ingin. Tapi kami harus memperjuangkan status "putus" tersebut.

Yang pertama harus kita lakukan adalah Basmallah dan luruskan niat. Kemudian mengumpulkan modal untuk biaya sebagai proposal ke orang tua. Saat orang lain mungkin sibuk menyiapkan proposal sidang skripsi, saat itu aku sibuk menyiapkan proposal skripsi dan proposal nikah. Sebagai seorang mahasiswi, dua proposal ini penting pada saat itu. Aku sudah tidak memikirkan lagi proposal romantis , proposal "Will you marry me?", karena tanpa kamu mengajukannya pun aku sudah meng-acc-nya. Kamu bukan orang yang romantis dengan kata-kata, malah kamu adalah type yang sering diam seribu bahasa, entah itu bahasa verbal maupun bahasa tubuh. Sehingga aku tidak pernah mengharapkan adanya acara bertekuk lutut sambil bilang "Will you marry me?".

Aku dididik untuk menjadi wanita yang mandiri, visioner dan realistis. Dari awal kuliah aku sudah bertanya ke kakak tingkat tentang perkuliahan dan tugas akhir, baik itu skripsi ataupun karya desain. Sehingga saat yang lain sedang sibuk memilih tujuan rekreasi, aku memilih tempat yang menunjang tugas akhir ku. Saat yang lain ke luar kota untuk berlibur, aku survey lapangan untuk kebutuhan proposal. Pada akhirnya proposalku tersusun, bahkan sebelum waktunya diajarkan untuk menyusun proposal.

Saat semua proposal sudah di acc, baik proposal TA dan proposal menikah, dimulailah perjuangan selanjutnya. Perjuangan untuk mendapatkan ijazah dan ijabsah! Jadwal di susun, mulai dari jadwal mengerjakan materi-materi tugas akhir, jadwal bertemu dosen pembimbing, jadwal transportasi untuk ke Bekasi dan ke Cilegon, jadwal survey vendor dan jadwal jadwal yang bisa terjadwal.

Ada yang bilang, sehabis lamaran adaaaaaaaaaaa saja godaan dan cobaan. Tiap orang berbeda jatahnya, tapi jatah kami adalah datangnya cerita lama dan bencana alam. Aku pikir, datangnya cerita lama karena Allah memerintahkan aku untuk menyelesaikan cerita itu. Cerita yang menggantung 6 tahun lamanya tanpa ada clearance. Jadi cobaan tersebut ada agar aku menutup buku cerita lama agar ke depannya tidak ada lagi lembaran yang terbuka di buku tersebut yang menghilangkan fokusku dari buku baru.

Cobaan lainnya berupa bencana alam terjadi 2 kali. Yang pertama adalah banjir yang melanda jabodetabek persis saat harus mengurus surat-surat izin menikah dari pihak laki-laki. Sehingga calon mama mertua harus berakit-rakit naik perahu karet mengarungi banjir agar dapat mengurus semua surat. Bencana alam yang kedua terjadi saat jadwal untuk survey sudah tersusun, yaitu Gunung Kelud meletus, mengakibatkan penerbangan tidak jadi dan tiket pesawat yang sudah kami pesan direfund dan harus mengatur ulang semua perjanjian dan jadwal-jadwal yang ada. Memang benar, manusia berencana tapi Allah yang menentukan.

Menikah adalah memulai sesuatu yang baru. Sebuah level baru dalam kehidupan. Sehingga kita harus lulus dulu dari level sebelumnya dengan baik untuk persiapan menghadapi level selanjutnya. Cobaan yang ada harus dihadapi, karena ujian yang tidak dihadapi suatu saat akan diuji lagi dengan ujian yang sama.

2 tahun pernikahan yang penuh dengan kerikil-kerikil tajam dapat dilalui dengan mudah jika dilakukan bersama. Jangan fokus pada sakitnya menginjak kerikil sehingga lupa bahwa pemandangan sepanjang perjalanan itu indah. Itu yang aku pelajari selama 2 tahun berstatus istri seorang Hanggara Surya Dewangga. Alhamdulillah, I said "yes".

Melampaui Rasa Takut

Perasaan takut adalah salah satu perasaan yang manusiawi karena mau hanya sebesar partikel debu, rasa takut pasti ada dalam pikiran dan hati manusia. Bagi seorang Muslim sebesar-besarnya rasa takut adalah kepada Sang Pencipta. Bagi seorang calon ibu, seperti saya 3 bulan lebih yang lalu, rasa takut itu ada berbagai macam, berbagai rasa, berbagai warna. Saat perut membuncit to the max, saat sudah menjelang HPL (yang dalam kasus ini artinya Hari Perkiraan Lahir bukan High Pressure Laminate), saat tanda pertama akan melahirkan tampak ketika mengecek ke toilet tepat setelah adzan Dzuhur berkumandang.

Sudah pasti rasa takut juga dirasakan oleh calon ayah dari janin yang akan segera terlahir tersebut. Sampai-sampai ketika mendaftarkan istrinya ke rumah sakit bersalin, ia menulis 1990 tahun, 11 bulan, 20 hari untuk kolom umur. Istrinya hanya bisa tertawa sembari menahan mules yang kian sering melihat kelakuan sang suami.

Dengan terus berdoa, berdzikir, melantunkan Asmaul Husna, sambil mengatur nafas yang telah diajarkan saat senam hamil rutin, aku berusaha untuk menghalau rasa takut. I thought, this was it. Here comes the time where I might be reborn again as a mother or reborn as almarhumah. :')

Rasa takut bisa dikalahkan. Rasa yang dapat menaklukan rasa takut tersebut adalah rasa keinginan yang lebih kuat dan lebih besar dari rasa takut yang ada. Jadi cara manajemen emosinya adalah, kalau rasa takut kita sebesar bola golf, rasa ingin kita harus sebesar bola bowling yang lebih besar dan lebih keras. Saat takut mengalami sakitnya melahirkan, bayangkan rasa ingin melihat si buah hati yang lucu sambil menerka-nerka nanti akan mirip siapa.

Ada cara untuk menghilangkan rasa takut pada saat melahirkan, yaitu dengan latihan hypno-birthing. Sebenarnya kita bisa berlatih sendiri, hypno-birthing alami ada dalam pikiran kita. Jika kita berpikir melahirkan itu sakit, kita menghipnotis diri kita sendiri bahwa melahirkan itu memang sakit. Namun jika kita senantiasa berpikiran positif, "proses kelahiranku akan cepat dan tak sakit" "melahirkan sakit hanyalah mitos" "Insya Allah seiring dengan lahirnya bayi, luruh pula dosa-dosa kita di kehidupan sebelumnya" dan pikiran positif lainnya, Insya Allah, proses melahirkan hanya seperti mengejan untuk buang air besar yang agak besar.. hehe :D

30 Desember 2014 kemarin, aku mengalami bukaan 1-8 selama kurang lebih 8 jam, dan 2 bukaan selanjutnya hanya kurang dari 1,5 jam, dan hampir setengah jam menahan janin agar tidak keluar karena dokter belum datang >,< dan hanya 10 menit mengejan dengan 3 kali tarik nafas dan ejan sampai akhirnya Drisana lahir ke dunia. 8 jam bukaan pertama rasanya seperti sedang akan datang bulan, perut rasanya nyut nyut beraturan dan pada saat itu alhamdulillah rasanya tidak sesakit nyut-nyutan saat akan datang bulan yang biasanya bikin aku guling-guling di kasur. 1,5 jam 2 bukaan terakhir berjalan begitu cepat tanpa terasa entah kenapa, yang dirasakan ya mules seperti ingin buang air besar. Yang paling menyakitkan adalah, saat menanti dokter datang, aku disuruh tidur miring ke kiri. Ternyata itu adalah cara mengampit janin agar tidak keluar sebelum dokter tiba. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, sumpah itu sakit banget. Ternyata aku sudah bukaan 10 pada saat itu, suster kenapa gak bilang? Sakitnya tuh di sini sus!!! (Suster atau bidan ya?? haha tidak begitu memperhatikan :P)

Dokter cantik datang, sambil tersenyum dan berkata "wahhh, kepalanya udah keliatan, rambutnya lebat". Kan jadi pengen lihattt!!! *gagal fokus*. Anyways, setelah itu dokter memberi aba-aba untuk menarik nafas saat terjadi kontraksi dari si janin. Aku bingung yang mana kontraksi janin yang mana yang bukan, jadi aku bilang oke dan kemudian menarik nafas dan eeeeuuuuuuuuuuu.. Eh, gak eeeeuuuu ding.. cara mengejan yang baik itu kata instruktur senam adalah tidak mengeluarkan suara sama sekali, baik di mulut, ditenggorokan, diperut.. Tarik nafas dan tekan otot perut bagian bawah aja sekuatnya sampai nafas hampir habis. Saat nafas habis, nafas huh hah huh hah dlu beberapa saat, trus tarik nafas lagi dan ejankan lagi. Begitu terus sampai bayi keluar. Dan ingat, dilarang menutup mata, meskipun dengan menutup mata kita bisa membayangkan hal-hal positif untuk proses hypno-birthing. hehe. Tapi jangan tutup mata titik! Cobalah berhypno-birthing sambil melihat ke arah dengkul kita, haha. I did :p

Dan yang watadosnya (masih ya zaman pake istilah ini?), aku kemarin memikirkan hal-hal konyol seperti momen-momen Taiga (kucing peliharaan) melahirkan. Dia mudah sekali melahirkan, bisa 5-8 anak, yaiyalah namanya juga kucing. Anyways, aku membayangkan Taiga melahirkan dengan amat mudah, sehingga aku menanam dalam pikiranku sendiri, bayi ini juga akan keluar dengan mudah semudah Taiga mengeluarkan anak kucingnya. Dan pluk! Drisana keluar. hehehehehe

Alhamdulillah, dia telah lahir dan saat melihat mukanya aku dan suami kompak berpikir "mirip Emerl!" (Adikku yang paling bungsu). Mukanya lucu, saking lucunya minta ditabok. #plak
Becanda, becanda... ampun Ya Allah.. Terimakasih Ya Allah... Akan kami jaga amanah dariMu sebaik mungkin.

Intinya, rasa takut itu bisa dikalahkan dengan rasa ingin yang lebih besar dan lebih kuat. Saat aku menulis ini, aku baru saja merampungkan aplikasi beasiswa yang ya takuuuuttt siiihhh.. tp pengeeeennn... hehehe
Pengen banget ya Allah... Apapun yang terbaik untuk hamba dan keluarga hamba. :)

Out of Goodbyes

"Tell me action speaks louder but there's something about her words that hurts."

Your expression changed immediately when I told you about me being engaged. You tried to distinguish it with a shrug in a split second, but I managed to capture it in my memory. It kept playing back after you walked me to my room and waved goodbye.

The past two days together with you, in a place I've never been before, literally and unilaterally. The air smelt of dog odor every morning which I later found out was pollution emit from fertilizer not far from where the 3-star hotel we stayed at for the next couple of days.

The first two days had made me feel, we were warped back to the past 6 years, the moment we first set eyes on each other. The moment you kept stealing glance in curiosity. The moment where I realize, I was worthy enough to be interested in despite my broken heart from my high school lover at that time. The first two days made me almost forget that 6 years had passed.

You didn't change. Your stare was still the same, eyes filled with light and curiosity. Eyes of an eagle. Your smile was still the same, that smile I thought I would have every morning of my life. Your hands were still the same, the hand that held my hand as if saying you are protecting me despite you being younger than me. How much I wanted to hug you when I first saw you after not seeing you in such a long time. I realized I missed you.

It wasn't that the last 6 years we hadn't seen each other at all, we met once in a while but not like this, not in the same exact atmosphere like the one we first met. Maybe that's what made it different. But in reality everything had changed. This was not 6 years ago. This was the present. The condition was not the same. I was just engaged precisely the day before I met you.

All these years we kept in touch, said our hi and goodbye, but I knew this time is the last. This was the last of our goodbyes. Your expression said it all. I couldn't help myself wanting to be close to you in our last moment. Your action told me that you too.

I wished I could reset my life to the check point 6 years ago, and redo everything so I wouldn't have to be in this position. But life is not a video game, I made my choices in life just as you did with yours. And we have to accept to let go of each other when the plane took of later that week.

Deepest Regret

Moving on means having to go with the flow of your life, strive to go forward. But sometimes it is inevitable to subconciously look back, isn't it? My life had been moving so tense and quick for these couple of years that when I suddenly had slowed down one notch, the past hit me.

At first it was destiny which brought me to it. I had been avoiding my past for so long that fate decided to take part in my life. I had ran so far, in the end I still have to face what I had buried for so long.

I considered the moment was perfect to come clean, to forgive him, to forgive her and to forget the pain. 5 days was enough time to bring me back to the past as if the past 6 years had never really happen. But with the presence of my mind I kept reminding myself, 6 years had changed our lives and I should try my hardest not to get in too deep into those feelings.

I made sure I did not waste such a little time I had to transfer all my thoughts and feelings. It was hard, really hard not to topple down. Seeing him all grown up but still looked the same, with those same eyes and same smiles did not make it any easier.

I told him I was really hurt by the decision we've made, although it was a relieve that we stayed friends afterwards. I sincerely treasure him, I'd rather be friends with him than not have him at all in my life. I was honestly hurt by his mom's indirect attitude towards me in the past. And plus, to find out that his mom changed her mind after all this time, it didn't lessen the void in my heart, instead it got stabbed even deeper.

Yeah, i guess that last blow was what made this pain turn into regret. Regret of moving on instead of waiting for that moment to come. Now I started to think, was moving on a good choice to take? I was scared of being alone, I was lost. If I did not stand up and run forward, I don't think I could've handle the loneliness. If I did not run, I couldn't have been able to stand up high. When I ran, he ran in the opposite direction. What else was I supposed to do? Why didn't he tell me not to go? Why didn't he tell me to wait?

But those eyes, the same stare I've been avoiding, that I've been shaking off off my mind. Was I seeing the same regret? Or was it just the reflection of what I was feeling? Were those eyes like mirror that reflected what's in front of it instead of being a window to see through inside?

Now everything seemed too late, I've opened a door to a new life but I am still afraid to close the door behind me. I feel so soaked in sin. Even though he told me to go, to move on forward with the life I have chosen.But still, I can't completely let go of the regret I've been dragging since that last time we met. Maybe it's been stabbed too deep that I can't take it off and leave it behind.

Sifat LeViSaAi Menurut Gaya Desain Arsitektur

        
        Hampir 4 tahun kita bersahabat, mengenal satu sama lain luar dalam, dan yang terpenting kita menerima apa yang sudah kita kenal apa adanya. Tidak dipungkiri selama kita bersahabat banyak sekali kerikil kecil bahkan batu karang besar, tidak lupa batu dari letusan gunung merapi (+,+) yang kita hadapi bersama. Masalah-masalah, contoh saya ngambek dengan mereka (paling sering), masalah dengan orang tua (saya paling sering), dengan pacar (aida paling sering), dengan mantan (ini sih vivi yang paling sering), dengan *ehem* tunangan (lele banget ya?), dengan calon mertua (yg tabah ya le...) daaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn banyak lagi, tidak terkecuali masalah dengan diri sendiri dimana kita pasti lari ke satu sama lain saat mulai lupa diri kita siapa.

        

        Enough with the reflection today, selanjutnya adalah perumpamaan LeViSaAi dalam gaya arsitektur yang akan saya sampaikan dengan bumbu-bumbu bermajas hiperbolis =D .

Ini saya dapatkan ketika saya mendapatkan tugas dari kampus untuk menganalisa gaya-gaya arsitektur yang ada. Dan pada saat mengerjakan tugas tersebut saya sedang dilanda badai rindu yang amat dasyat. (*ket. majas hiperbolis 1 hahahaaa...) Jadi terbesitlah sifat kita menurut gaya arsitektur yang ada.

        Lele merupakan makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya arsitektur Modern. Gaya ini memiliki tagline form follow function (bentuk mengikuti fungsi).. Jangan ngeres dulu, atau berpikir ada hubungannya dengan Lele yang bakal jadi Bidan (Delima aaaaammmiiiieeeeeennn!!!) dan juga Bidan Pribadi saya =P ... tapi yang dimaksud dengan tagline tersebut adalah praktis, tidak macem-macem (tapi cuma satu macem) atau neko-neko, lurus, jujur, bersih dan apa adanya...CMIIW Le!
 

        Vivi merupakan makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Post Modern. Gaya yang kompleks, membingungkan saat saya menganalisa gaya tersebut dan tiap orang punya intrepetasi yang berbeda tentang gaya ini. Namun secara keseluruhan gaya ini adalah gaya yang mulai jenuh dgn gaya modern sehingga dia merupakan gaya yang anti bentuk yang gak mau mengikuti kaedah form follow function, dekonstruktif, less is bore ( sedikit adalah membosankan ) atau dengan kata lain berambisi dan tidak mudah puas dan sulit untuk menerima sesuatu apa adanya, she'll strive for more! Right, Vi?

       Cisa itu makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Vintage : yang pilih-pilih (sangat cerewet dan sulit dalam hal mendapatkan pilihan yang pas) dalam hal kualitas dan tidak peduli dengan kuantitas, belajar dari masa lalu, dekoratif floral (suka hal-hal yang berbau alam), campuran tradisional dan elemen modern.

 

        Aida itu makhluk yang mencerminkan gaya Kontemporer : Idealis (gak usah ditanya deh, ini adalah spesialisasi aida!) , suka-suka, penuh dengan permainan yang kreatif, bersifat kekinian, ingin berbeda dengan yang lain(tenang, ai, you are! We all are!) dan yang pasti, ingin menonjol dari yang lain, sometimes it's a good thing but not always *kabuuuuurrrrr*.

        Ya, seperti itulah kami... kurang lebihnya mohon maaf, tidak dimaafkan ya itu sih urusan anda dengan yang di Atas =D

Hi!

          It's been such a long time since I open this blog, let alone update it. Had been such a hectic first two months of 2012. The year which started with heaps of activities and also problems. But I'm glad that I still have problems in my life, that shows that I have advanced to the next level of life. I'm also happy that I have overcame most of it. Specially the ones regarding my special people in life.
          When I was down, I would listen to one sad song over and over again, until the song doesn't have any effect on my emotions. Then I would start to think that the problem I'm having, as I go through it, would also have no impact on my depressed feelings. After that it was just a matter of time where the problem would be solved somehow or other.
           Not all matter can be solved in an instant, just try to do the best you can do then let your effort give its power to the universe so that the universe itself would solve it for you. It takes time, but in that way I could still overcome other problems as well, not concentrated only in one thing.
What would be better is that if one problem solved leading to other problems solved to. "One row, two three islands passed by." (An Indonesian Proverb)
          This past couple of months gave me a lot of life lessons and I'm really thankful for it.

20112011

20-11-2011

Almost a year, to be exact, 11 months, more or less, ago, i told "someone" that the date above is a "pretty date"..Well right now i wish it is, in fact, a pretty "date".

It's his 21st birthday today n since i havent been having a "life" for these past weeks i really couldnt make a time to plan for a birthday surprise... I hate myself for that...Actually i did have a plan, but couldnt make it in time because yesterday afternoon, it rained hard n i was so jaded that i cannot lift my body off the bed.

And i thought of going out with him somewhere but when i look down beneath my PC table i see rolls of campus projects awaiting for me to touch it. Oh great, dillema, dillema.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?? Would you choose to go out on this fine sunny Sunday or stay in your room finishing, your project, catching up on your lack-of-spending-time project because you were doing other project at the same time?

I tried to to think of other things i can do, but the only ability i could think of was to write about it. Maybe its unimportant to you, maybe you wouldnt even read it at all. I am out of words but i really hope you understand my position and have a blasting birthday. Happy Birthday mon Soleil. Always try to be the best of yourself.

One of my Writings

Art, Culture and Nation’s Character

by Citra Sandy Anastasia (101 1718 023)

                                                  PSDI – FSR, ISI Yk.

Abstract

Nation’s character is a nation’s personality that distinguishes one country to another. As an analogy, characteristic of a personal computer, it has a monitor and CPU tower, if it doesn’t have those things, it cannot be called a personal computer. Or a microwave oven, it has to give out waves that create heat, if it doesn’t create heat then it isn’t a microwave oven. So without those quality or characteristic, those things don’t work and worthless. Just like a country, what is a country without a character? Our Nation’s character is Pancasila which was born from the Founding Father who had one vision, one understanding to build this Nation. Pancasila made us different from every other country in this world. Art, culture and characteristic of a nation has very strong link because it gives extra points when it comes to other nations’ appreciation. By the heterogeneous of this country, it made us different from any other country in this world. Our country has countless of different culture. But if we don’t conserve and take the advantage of it, it would be such a great loss. And who knows what this country would become. It would be like a personal computer without a speaker for the sound system, it works, but with no sound to give special effects.

Introduction 
     What is art? If you think deeper over that question, you’ll find that our life is filled with art; the art to socialize, the art to cook, the art to write a literature, the art to say something so that it’s more understandable or interesting to other people, the art to negotiate, even to defend yourself you need to learn the martial art. In another word art is like a technique of doing something.
     
     Look around you, what do you see? See how the builders built the house you live in now, the place where you peacefully stay, protected against the heat of the sun and the cold of the wind? Is it just a stack of bricks piled together? It is not just that, is it? They’ve learned the technique to build it. They’ve mastered the art of piling bricks together, sticking them together with cement and painted it with such beautiful colors. Do you think a doctor or an ambassador can do it as good as them.

     To be a good citizen, we have to know how to build our nation’s character, just like how the builder built our house. There are so many aspects that can help us build this nation’s character, for example through education and technology. But in this article I would like to talk about how art can be used to build this Nation.
     
     The question is, “how can art, cultural art in this matter, have the contributive function towards building the nation’s character itself? We are all aware that a great nation is a combination of greatly educated people, high technology and honest legislation, and cultural art doesn’t seem to fit in any of this category.

     Little did we know, art does have a vast impact on how other nations see our beloved country and I will elaborate it in this short article entitled “Art, Culture and Nation’s Character”

Issue: Art’s Contribution to Building the Nation’s Character
      As I’ve mentioned before, in my opinion, art is like a technique mastered to do things in life. And according to Wikipedia.com, art is the product or the process of deliberately arranging symbolic elements in a way that influences and affects one or more of the senses, emotions and intellect. It is a way of expressing emotions through music, literature, fine art and performance art. Art is an aesthetical thing; beautiful and made to enjoy. For example a painting or a traditional dance, they are just as attractive as magnet. Most people would link art with culture. Culture itself comes from a habit that a lot of people do that has been done for ages, rooted and grew into a civilization. Culture comes from the word “to cultivate” which means to develop or to grow. So in another word, a cultured country is a developed and grown civilization.

     Indonesia is our country who got its freedom on 17^th August 1945. Then the next day after that, the written constitution, Undang-Undang Dasar 1945 (Fundamental Constitutions 1945) was assigned. In the Opening of that constitution was where our principle, Pancasila, stated. Pancasila comes from the Sansekerta language. It literally means “the five seats” or can be analogized as “the five pillars of this Nation”.

     In each pillar, Pancasila has values that are ascribed as the soul, the personality and the vision of Indonesia since it is the pact of crystallized values of the determination of our ancestors to unite this Nation despite the differences which can be found in it. Pancasila is also the basic ideology and philosophy of this beloved country that does not only control the law but also the morality of its people. In this article I want to focus on the third pillar. Our country has lots of different culture, multi-races, languages and thousand of islands. That is why in the third pillar of Pancasila, it says, “Persatuan Indonesia” (Unity of Indonesia).

     A great person is a person who is a well educated, uniquely cultured and has strong character or personality, and so is a great country. The ones who see the greatness of a nation is the other country. I’ve met different people from various countries and when I asked them what they think of Indonesia they’d say “Indonesia is a great country enriched with lots of diverse culture,” “Indonesia has uncountable places to visit, sightsee and experience.” But there was one time when I met two Dutches at Tamansari, Yogyakarta and they said, “We love Indonesia. It’s so green but it’s a shame that they don’t appreciate the historic value of their heritage by gratifying on the walls and writing unnecessary things in inappropriate places,” and I couldn’t agree more with what they’d said. Is it really our culture to destroy our heritages? I hope not.

     The third pillar reflects our supposedly character: “a Nation who loves the country”. We should love the differences in this country. We should love everything about it. We should make those tourists say, “Indonesia is not only a great country but it has great people who adores and appreciate everything it has.” We should make a concept that our country is a country with character of dynamic heterogeneous culture to obtain our purpose to become a developed civilization.

     There are lots of examples of artistic culture we have in this country, for example, in music we have keroncong, dangdut, campur sari etc; in literature we have legends like Malin Kundang, Roro Jonggrang, Tangkuban Parahu etc; in fine arts and crafts we have Kamasan paintings, Batik, Songket, etc; in performance art we have Lenong, Ketoprak, Kecak Dance, Wayang Golek and a lot more to list that it will make this article not a short article anymore but a huge-numbered of pages book. These things characterized us. These things build our image to other nations.

     Remember how Reog Ponorogo was taken by our neighboring country? We got really furious but whatever we did couldn’t undo what happened in the past. Maybe it was our fault in the first place. Our mistake, whether we realized it or not, was ignoring and overlooked at our culture because before it happened we thought anyone couldn’t take over it. We should be proud of all the differences that we have, all the artistic culture that couldn’t be found elsewhere in this world. Don’t let it be claimed by other irresponsible nations who are attracted to take over our country’s culture. We should document what we own. Write books about it or post writing on the blog or other internet websites about it to make a notice to the world, it is ours (with capital letters, bold and italic) and it is part of us.

     We can also start by little things like how Japanese youngsters have what they call “cosplay” or costume player. It has slowly rooted to their modern culture and known by people from all over the world. I used to have a similar thing when I was in the kindergarten. I wore the traditional clothing of the Northen Sumatra, Ulos, on the Kartini’s Day. In fact we should do it more often by holding events to compete the beauty, design and innovation of traditional clothes.

     It’s hard but easy and easy but hard at the same time to use art and our culture to build nation’s character because there would be constraints such as negativity in belief of the society, the lack of interest of the people to have a contribution because of their economic situation and also the fading of our culture because people tend to be more appealed to other Nations’ cultures. But we have to be optimistic and begin first from ourselves, family, friends and then environment, be creative on playing our role as a civilian. Hopefully it will carry on until everyone in this country characterized our Nation in the best way possible.

Conclusion

      Art is like a technique or skill that creates a product and is also a process that influences and affects the senses, emotions or intellect by expressing it through media such as music, literature, fine art and performance art.

    Our Nation’s character can be defined perfectly by our Principle, Pancasila. And to be a strong characterized Nation, we have to reflect back and start using the value of Pancasila as a Standard. The unity of our country is an important basic of character. Even we have heterogeneous culture we should be creative to face the diversity.

    Art can trigger the culture to cultivate the Nation’s character back to its originality and make us realize that we should love our country and be proud of its differences that makes us unique compared to other country.

     Art and culture have very strong link to the Nation’s character. It builds the image of the country. Indonesia can be known by the world where the Wayang Golek, Lenong, Kamasan paintings, keroncong and lots more come from.

     To have a characterized Nation, we should start from ourselves doing little things like write about our artistic culture and post it on a blog. Then lead other people close to us to do similar things and influence people to love and be proud of our art and culture.

A Little Scribble about Life

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.

I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what’s the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don’t always have to pretend to be strong,
there’s no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn’t be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,

it’s good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

-Paulo Coelho-

Something that reminds me, just be yourself, don't try to be something that you are not. Doesn't seem like you, doesn't look like you.

A tomato has its own greatness, its own goodness that a melon might not have. When you take a walk amongst the plantation in a garden, you'll see that it's green all around you, but a ripening tomato would stand out, would be a focal point, because of the difference in the color. A ripening tomato would contrast in the midst of the garden.

Maybe all the other fruits or vegetables would be jealous of the tomato. They would whisper in envy because tomato looked so juicy that it would chill someones mind just by looking at it.

But if you are not a contrasting tomato, don't be low minded. A watermelon, even though it looked green outside and it would not stand out amongst the greenness of the garden, it has its own greatness after you cut it open. The juiciness of the red watermelon meat can make your mouth water and would want more of eating it in the summer.

So don't judge a fruit by its appearance.

A potato that grows under the ground, almost all its life until someone dug the earth and took it out, might look ugly. But imagine after you boil it and peel its skin, eat it in the coldness of wintery night, still steaming hot. You wouldn't even remember where it came from before you cook it.

How ever low minded you are about yourself, you still have the greatness in you that you would not know until you or someone help you dig it out and peel off what weakness you think you have.

Just a simple thought in the afternoon. That will remind me someday when I am low and having a self-confidence crisis. Or maybe it will also remind you, to be yourself and bring the best of yourself.

A Lifetime Reminder

My 17th birthday, 24th August 2008, held such a great lesson in my life. Then I learnt about friendship, sharing, family, reaching my goals, dreams and most important, how to live lively.

I didn't have a massive birthday party or anything. Instead I took my family and friends to pay a visit to an orphanage, something i dreamt of since i was in kindergarten. Something a regular seventeen-year-old wouldn't want to do.

Before we all celebrate my birthday there, though, all of my closest dearest friends gathered at Aida's house. They gave me such a reckless surprise. They threw eggs and flour at me and also showered me with a huge bucket of water. In addition, Ichwan just simply poured detergent, which was supposed to be used to clean my outfit from egg yolk, over my head. And hell, it burns!

"I know you hate this kind of surprise," Aida told me. "That's why we did this to you."
I will never forget that, Ai. Haha.

Later that day, we all went to the orphanage together. It was such an unexplainable feeling, seeing those parent-less children sitting on a dried-plant type of carpet laid on the dirt, staring at me with inquisitive eyes. They looked so adorable. Oh how i wish i can help them more than i was about to.
All I could do at that time was donate a stack of old books, dozens of usable clothing and a small amount of money which was equal to nothing compared to what they gave me.

In return, all of them wished me a happy birthday and pray together for my success in life. God, I felt so helpless. It was the best birthday celebration ever! Although my dad couldn't make it because he was already back to work abroad but my mom was there still. I couldn't hold my tears so I let them slipped as my mom gave us all a speech about me and wished me a happy birthday. I was really touched. I realized how she loves me unconditionally and how I was sometimes such an unobedient child to her. It was my first time crying in public, in front of so many eyes and i was neither ashamed nor embarrased from it. The tears felt so warm, unlike any other useless tears i cried earlier that year from my recent break-up. I sobbed as I gave my speech of gratitude. The more I sobbed, the more i became speechless.

Thank you, God, for giving me such a great family, a bunch of loyal friends and precious lessons in my gracious life.

Asahi no Hikari by IchionRoku... The first song I composed

Saat kau pergi meninggalkan diriku

Kutahu kau pun telah melupakan diriku

Walau dalam hatiku ingin

Mengulang kembali kisah cinta yang telah kita jalani

Kutahu itu takkan pernah mungkin terjadi

Dirimu sudah tak inginkanku

Tapi kutahu sesuatu

Kini ku trus berlari menggapai angan mimpi

Seperti mentari yang bersinar menyinari bumi ini

Ku kan slalu jalani hidupku

Walau tanpamu di sisi

Ku kan trus berlari bagai angin mengitari bumi ini

Yakinkan kita kan kembali lagi

Oooohh My Love...

First Grief on 1st November .

November

Nama bulan ini berasal dari bahasa Romawi 'novem' yang berarti sembilan, karena itu adalah bulan kesembilan dalam kalender Romawi.

Hanya sedikit orang yang merasa November itu menyenangkan. Suku Anglo-Saxon menyebut November 'Angin monath', karena itu adalah waktu dimana angin dingin mulai bertiup. Mereka juga menyebutnya 'Blod monath', karena saat karnaval ternak dibantai untuk makanan musim dingin. Dan kebetulan sudah beberapa tahun belakangan ini Idul Adha dimana kaum Muslim menyebelih kurban juga.

November

Bulan yang sakral buat LeViSaAi...

Bulan ketika "dia" dilahirkan...

Bulan puncaknya kehidupan di tiap tahun untukku...

percakapan antara hati dan pikiran di suatu sore

Hati dan pikiran sedang berdiskusi. Kala itu memang hati dan pikiran sedang tidak bersinkronasi.

pikiran mengatakan sesuatu, namun hati menjerit untuk tidak mengikutinya.

akhirnya pikiran pun mencoba untuk berhenti sejenak, memencet tombol pause dan terlontar pertanyaan dari pikiran untuk hati tersayang, "kamu kenapa?"

"aku takut. aku takut sakit. aku takut salah melangkah. aku takut ini bukan jalanku. aku takut berhenti di tempat." jawabnya.

"kita memang sedang berhenti di tempat, kamu kira aku bisa melakukan progres tanpa diiringi dirimu, hati?"

"aku takut."

"kamu masih ingat, kata-kata indah yang terukir dalam di atas kerasnya permukaanmu 'The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.'"

"Takut menderita itu lebih buruk daripada penderitan itu sendiri...namun apa kau yakin itu mimpimu wahai pikiran yang cerdas?"

"tanyakan saja pada pada dirimu sendiri! karena kamu lah yang selalu benar, tugasku hanya memerintahkan seluruh organ tubuh untuk melakukan apa yang baik menurutmu."

"apa yang aku inginkan?"

"benar."

"aku ingin jadi aku."

"lakukanlah."

"tapi aku takut banyak yang tidak bisa menerima diriku."

"tapi apa kamu bisa menerima dirimu apabila kau menjadi dirimu?"

"bisa."

"lantas, mengapa kamu memikirkan orang lain? belum tentu mereka bisa menerima diri mereka sendiri."

"kau benar."

"tidak, kau yang benar, aku hanya mengingatkan, karena tugasku mengingat, sedangkan kau merasa. dan merasa itu lebih peka terhadap mana yang salah dan mana yang benar."

"aku ingin jadi diriku sendiri."

"bagus kalau begitu."

.aku ingin jadi diriku sendiri.